Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
