Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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