So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
