I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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