Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
