I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
ttyl tear gas
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
