I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
