I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
