i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
