the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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