At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
