I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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