From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
