you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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