God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
