i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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