she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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