Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
