We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
