I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
