Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My cat gives me a boner
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
