Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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