so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
