The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize
