my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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