The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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