I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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