he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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