My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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