I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
