I think im going to throw up on grandma
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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