Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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