he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
