Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
