Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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