I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
