i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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