hell yes lets make some ravioli
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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