in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
