i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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