I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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