he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
