Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
