you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
porn star boner night. come get it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
