DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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