you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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