Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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