I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
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