after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
