I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you didnt know i had herpes?
two words: eviction party
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Randomize
