i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
